File 8 - Fright at the Museum

A museum is a responsible place to take your kids, right?  It is educational, interactive and there is so much to see and do, that you don't have to here those two dreaded words - I'm bored.  This was my expectation, when my sister-in-law and I decided to take the all the kids to the Science and Tech museum.  But, like I said before, expect the unexpected......

Everything started off great.  We arrived, as soon as it opened, and didn't have to fight for parking or wait in line to get in.  We were five children to two adults, which we felt was a manageable ratio.  The first thing we did, when we got in, was b-line it to the children's area.  It was empty!  The littles got to try all the activities, without having to wait.  My sister-in-law and I were in awe of our prowess.  The kids were having a great time and we got time to chat, with just a quick head count, every few minutes.  I am sure everyone else was like "Wow, look at those two amazing Moms.  Drinking their coffee. So cool and calm.  They have everything under control."

"Excuse me, there is no food or drinks allowed in here." Sigh....

The kids were adamant about going to the "Crazy Kitchen".  This thing is my biggest nightmare.  It is basically a slanted replica of an old school kitchen, meant to mess with your head. I remember, when I was a kid, I missed the school field trip to this museum.  I had the joy of having to to go to the dentist to have teeth pulled.   Everyone came back, talking about this crazy kitchen and how awesome it was.  And there I was, stitched up gums, sore AF, feeling like I missed the greatest thing to happen in elementary life.  It wasn't until I was an adult, and I experienced this horror, firsthand, that I understood that this trip to the dentist was a blessing..

I may have mentioned, in previous posts, that I have anxiety.  This kitchen thing is like walking through a panic attack.  As soon as you get in, disorientation.  Then, dizziness and your heart starts racing.  Your legs begin to feel heavy and you become unsteady.  You are on the brink of total vertigo, when you finally make it out the other side.  It is 15 feet of total hell!  I feel like when I emerged, on my first and last time through it, all the colour had drained from my face.  Never...again.  But here is what is love this shit.  Some adults, too?!?!  There are children running through this thing, over and over again.  Including mine!!!  Others just go in it, sit down (how is that even possible?) and hang out.  Seriously, WTF?  I told my sister-in-law from the jump, I will not be going into that deranged kitchen.  I have enough trouble keeping my anxiety and panic, at bay, without this insanity.

So, we were prepared for this part of our excursion.  What we weren't prepared for, was the health portion.  Neither of us remembered this part, but the kids seemed to really enjoy it.  There was an example of an MRI machine, a place where you could press buttons to hear different coughs (Eww!) and a large screen that you could stand in front of, where your reflection would be a skeleton.  The littles enjoyed busting some skeleton moves.   On the other side of this screen, which was a touchscreen, there was a large human body, that you could move around.  It would show all of the muscles, tendons, etc.   Everything was so interactive, that my sister-in-law and I moved in a spot, where we could make sure none of them could escape, to continue our chat.  Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of my oldest and my niece in a fit of hysterical laughter.  We look over to where they are standing, at the big screen, and there it was......a giant vagina.

The children somehow manipulated the body, on the big screen, so that all you could see was an extreme close up of the vagina.  And it is taking up the majority of the screen.  W..T..F  I don't remember making my way over there...maybe I teleported...but the next thing I know, my niece had taken off, and I am standing next to my son, frozen and totally horror struck.  Meanwhile, he is slapping at the big vagina, trying to get it off the screen, while my sis-in-law, repeatedly pushes the Reset button, waiting for it to register. Finally, after what seemed like many minutes, but in reality was just seconds, the full body returns to the screen and the vast lady garden disappears.  Thank f**king goodness.  Did that really just happen?  I couldn't make this stuff up, if I tried!!!  So much for the cool Moms, who have everything under control, lol.

All terrifying and over-sized things considered, we really did have a great time.  Because it wasn't busy, yet, the kids got to see and do everything, without waiting.  They had a blast.  My recommendation, to anyone who wants to visit a museum with their kids, is to get there when it opens, don't bring coffee and beware of anything with the word "Crazy" in the title.

I want to thank my sis-in-law for taking this adventure with me.  I appreciate you not making me enter the panic room and I am so grateful for your perseverance with the Reset button.  And I don't care what anyone says, huge vagina or no, we are cool Moms.

Does Mommy need to lose her shit?

Not this week.