File 47 - Bump

I don’t want to use the word lazy.  I feel like that is a little on the harsh side.  Maybe, underachiever would be better?  I mean, in all fairness, he hasn’t always been this way.  When he first started coming around, he really went out of this way to do special things.  There were little notes and gifts.  He would do all sorts of creative things to elicit a smile or a laugh.  He just seemed to have more bright eyed optimism and an eagerness to please.  As the years have passed, his actions have slowly become less inspired.  He basically just mopes around and does the bare minimum, now.  I think it’s the disillusionment that comes with trying to measure up to unrealistic expectations.  An existential elf crisis, if you will.  Yes, that’s right.  I am talking about our elf.  Our Elf on the Shelf - Bump.  Or, Bump on a Log, these days.

I can’t say I blame the little fellow.  The travel expectations, alone, would be enough to make anybody miserable.  I’m not sure what the compensation package is like, but travelling thousands of miles a night, just seems wildly excessive.  Am I wrong?  Truthfully, I get exhausted thinking about having to go back downstairs for a snack, after 7pm.  But, the thought of my show, without my snack, is just downright absurd.

Then, the big man in red, expects a daily report.  This seems quite extra.  My kids do a lot of shit in a day.  Good, bad, funny, totally confusing and bizarre.  Bump has a tac board, with Christmas ribbon crisscrossing in every direction, as he reports on my littles' daily activities.  His eyes looking wild and bloodshot from the erratic explanation and the jet lag.  Maybe something with more of a summative nature would be more reasonable.  More simple.  You know, like a Good/Bad t-chart.  A checkmark in this column for sharing with your brother, a checkmark in that column for drawing on the leg of the table.  As for burning an entire village that you spawned in Minecraft, he can just put an imaginary checkmark in the Let’s Pretend that Shit Never
Happened column.  And then bam!  One report for the big guy on Christmas Eve.  Do these guys have a union?

Lately, too, the boys aren't as interested in what Bump does, unless they think it will upset me.  I am not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I am a little neurotic.  My sweet little babies think this magical creature, that causes all of these messes, and the fact that it isn’t them, is the best thing ever!  For example, on an atypical night for Bump, he actually made a little city in our dining room.  He moved the table and taped maps that the boys had made, to the floor.  You know what they were most excited about?  Telling me that he moved the table and put tape on the floor.  “Wait until Mommy sees this.  He...put...tape...on...the....floor.”  Insert elementary school maniacal laughing.  A single tear rolls down Bump’s cheek.

We just want Bump to know, we see him.  We’ve got his back.  In fact, it is nice not having to clean up after him.  So, in case no one told you today, you are appreciated Bump.  You do self, Elf on the Shelf.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!

Does Mommy need to lose her shit?

Not this week!