File 72 - Totally Typical Attachment

I wouldn't say that I have an unhealthy attachment with my babies. I simply want to be with them, all the time. Or if I'm not with them, know what they are doing.  What they are feeling.  If they are happy.  If they are having fun.  I mean, ideally I would like to be able to see them or hear them.  Or I would be content with a text every half-an-hour or so, telling me how they are.  With pictures.  And, I want them to live at home.  Forever.  So, exactly as I said, a totally typical attachment.

However, this is not reality.  I have to go to work and the boys have to go to school.  No teacher is going to text me every half-an-hour.  No matter how much I beg. Which I didn't, of course.  I do have some dignity!  Although, I did think about presenting the idea, as a joke, to see how it went over.

I remember the absolute dread that I felt when my first maternity leave was coming to an end.  Frantically searching the web for jobs that could be done from home.  The cold, hard realization that there was no *perfect* job that I would be able to do from home, while caring for a one-year-old.  Followed, by the terrifying notion of finding a stranger to care for my brand new human.  This beautiful baby that had literally been stuck to my hip, for the last 365 days.  The totally common event of putting your child in daycare, that takes place all over the world on a daily basis, suddenly seemed completely deranged.  Preposterous.  F**king insane!  But, I did it and then did it again, when the second little came along.  We were lucky enough to find someone who loved them and who they loved back.  She also never complained about the daily texts.  Sometimes, she would even send pictures or videos, without me asking.  Maybe I should revisit the teacher/text idea....

Nevertheless, this pandemic has returned my boys to being home with me.  Where I can see them, hear them and hold them, whenever I want.  Okay, maybe not hold them whenever I want.  Or often.  Not really any more often, than I did before this.  But, still.  I get to have all of this extra time with them.  Don't get me wrong, I have been a terrible school teacher. The worst.  My propensity for patience is puny. And, there are days when I hide in my bedroom and close the door because I need just a few minutes where no one is talking to me or touching me.  Or asking me something.  Or for something.  Still, I like them with me.

Now, that the world is opening back up, I can feel the familiar dread re-surfacing.  The idea of sending my boys back into the world, after being together all of this time.  Going back to wondering if they are having fun or if they are happy.  And now, also, if they are washing their hands enough.  If they are keeping their appropriate distance.  I am so thankful for this time that we have been given and I am going to miss it.  So much.

Do you think there's anything there with this teacher/texting idea?

No, I guess that just makes me sound crazy.  Not like someone who has a totally typical attachment to her kids.  Which clearly I do.

Does Mommy need to lose her shit?

Not this week.